Oklahoma, my home state

This is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about folks from Oklahoma (which is celebrating its centennial...

• If someone in a Lowe's store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Oklahoma.
• If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Oklahoma.
• If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Oklahoma.
• If "vacation" means going anywhere south of Dallas for the weekend, you may live in Oklahoma.
• If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Oklahoma.
• If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Oklahoma.
• If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Oklahoma.
• If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Oklahoma.
• If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Oklahoma.
• If you find 60 degrees "a little chilly," you may live in Oklahoma.
• If you see a tornado warning on the television but don't get too awfully excited about it until you actually SEE it coming toward you, you may live in Oklahoma.
• If you actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your Okie friends & others, you definitely live in Oklahoma.

We're friendly folks!

Rules of Oklahoma:

1. Pull up your droopy pants. You look like an idiot.
2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
3. They are cattle. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40 goes east and west, & I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.
4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of ducks are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.
8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Picante Sauce!! Oh, yeah... We don't care what folks in Cincinnati call that stuff they eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!! Chili was born and bred in the West... and real chili never met a tomato!
12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she'd better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
13. College and high school football & basketball is important here and fun to watch.
14. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.
15. Colleges? Try Oklahoma State University and the University of Oklahoma. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.
16. We have lots of folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines, so "Don't Mess with Oklahoma. "If you do, you will get whipped by the best.

Oklahoma is the greatest state ever!!